Hey I’ve been thinking about how things ended & I just wanted to say……

I am probably too old for a Tik Tok reference, but OH WELL! But I did want to say, I think it’s time to know you are worth so much more. Lemme tell ya why.

2020, wow; I thought 2019 was a roller coaster!! I was so overwhelmed by all the positive feedback from my last post; how much people appreciated honesty & vulnerability. In a world where everything feels like it needs to be picture perfect, Face-tuned, or up to Tik Tok standards- sometimes you just have to be real. Raw. Vulnerable. Open. and see what can come from it.

I ended 2019 on a bit of a rough note. I truly thought ya know; we can only go up from here. Little did I know what was in store. Fast forward to a couple of months into 2020, and I truly was at the lowest of the lows. From social media, it looked like I just had disappeared for a little; maybe took some time for myself, lost some weight and changed things up. But what social media didn’t show, was the worst break up I had ever experienced took me to a place where I had never been. I cried constantly, couldn’t get out of bed, questioned my worth and myself, pushed family and friends away, lost too much weight to be healthy & was truly at my lowest- now, add a lock-down that kept me in my apartment alone on top! Talk about a doozie. It was a place that scared me to death, and it came quicker than I ever could have imagined.

I’m not saying this for pity or sympathy, it just goes to show how easy it is to make life still look good on the outside no matter what you are feeling on the inside. I am saying this because it is so easy to be in the most vulnerable place and hide it. In the struggles, I always wondered how I got there. It is so easy to resort to me, me, me- plain selfishness. I questioned why me? Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do to deserve this? What did I do that was so bad that I ended up here?

Through so many days and nights full of tears, lost sleep, glasses of wine and nights out; I knew that these worldly fixes weren’t going to cut it. They were band aids. I was going to have to see that this was out of my control; I knew was that there was a reason and God was still faithful. I needed a posture of on my knees crying out to God, with open hands, giving Him control.

Growing up in a little town and going to a private Christian school, I always had a relationship with the Lord. But I quickly learned in college and in the real world, that my relationship with God wasn’t truly my own- more or less, it was just given to me.

I think God gave me this series of struggles to show that I was putting my value more in the surface level things, and not my identity in Him. I put how my friends, family, relationships, and social media viewed me at a higher place than how the Lord viewed me.

It took me being at my lowest of lows to not think what did I do to deserve this, but how can I honor the Lord through this. How can I rely on Him more? While somethings were taken away, I was given SO much more than I even could realize. I started to notice Him in little ways that I never had noticed before, or maybe just didn’t appreciate.

Struggles have a way of showing you how strong your friendships are. I am SO blessed with some of the best friends I could ask for, some of them even took turns staying the night with me just so I wouldn’t feel alone on the hardest days.

But one friend came out of the blue. In the blink of an eye, our friendship  became irreplaceable. I think what solidified Gracie and I’s friendship was the fact that we both were going through the same struggle. With this came lots of phone calls, lots of crying, lots of night together and a lot of learning to rely on each other and the Lord. Now, as we move on to happier stages of life, we have each other in every good and bad day.

And another person, Rylee. Don’t ever underestimate the power of a little sister. She has gone to bat for me, held me while I cried, done stupid stuff to make me laugh and has gone above and beyond to be there for me. Long gone are the days of fighting over what time we would leave the house in the morning for high school; in those days I wouldn’t have guessed we would be this close. But thank the good Lord for little sisters.

Building community is hard in your early 20’s. You don’t have sororities and workplaces aren’t the same as college. I was lucky to find such strong community in a Bible Study in which we are studying Job. This study re-affirmed God giving me more people to rely on, people to grow with and pray for.

By studying Job’s testimony, the Lord showing us how to be a better friend and even the most faithful of the Lord’s servants have struggles.

Strength- I have realized that I am so much stronger than my worse days. We live in a world that honestly sucks. As if we didn’t know that though, right? I have surprised myself at just how strong I am, even though some days are worse than others. And it is okay to rely on other’s for strength, we don’t always have to have it together.

Long story short, don’t ever let anyone fool you into thinking life is so perfect. It took me a rough year to understand the beauty that comes from pain and suffering. While you couldn’t pay me to go back, I’m starting to see the good side of the past, not just the hurt. You are worth so much more than your worst days, your saddest moments, your heartbreaks and your failures.

Everyday is not a walk in the park and some days- it still really sucks, but I’m growing. We all are growing and we have so much more on the horizon. So, since I’ve been thinking, I just wanted to call and say, thank you 2020 for all you have taught me. I am so much stronger now.